My Faith Journey with Chronic Illness.

I  have lost my faith at least 100 times but have found it at least 101 times. My faith journey has been so varied, painful, disappointing, difficult, amazing and incredible. We have a saying in our recovery group.

“Religion is for those that are afraid of going to hell.
Spirituality is for those that have already been there.”

If you have read my story you will understand when I say I have died a thousand times. I grew up in the Ukrainian Greek Orthodox Church with a very punishing God. As a child I was often disciplined and threatened that God would punish me. It was all about threats and fear. I was afraid of God and of going to hell. As a child I never felt good enough or that I would ever be worthy of having a relationship with God. His wrath was to be avoided at all costs.

My family upbringing was quite severe and dysfunctional.  I do feel my parents did their best, but in place of unconditional love there was a very rigid, serious and performance-based expectation of my behavior, grades and educational path. It was about making money and outward appearances. My parents were successful business people and active churchgoers and yet I feared my entire family. I had to endure a lot of trauma.

I had faith as a small child but it seemed to dry up with each negative experience that I had in my life. I distinctly remember my early rage towards God for allowing certain traumatic and life-changing incidents to happen. Throughout my teen years, I stopped praying and completely turned my back on all things spiritual. I stopped going to church at the age of 17 when I left home.

The coming years would be filled with substance abuse,  mental illness and a failed first marriage. I did have success as a big city realtor but soon burned out from the ongoing stress. It was at the age of 28 that I began to think about God and where had He been all of my life.  I encountered a very loving Catholic community founded by Catherine Doherty called  Madonna House in Combermere, Ontario, Canada. They are a Catholic community of both priests and lay people living together and serving the poor. They had a profound impact on my life and I became Catholic. They were my first real experience of love and acceptance.

In the ensuing years, my health continued to decline both mentally and physically. I became ultra religious in an attempt to fix myself and overcome my health problems. It was at this time that I was put on more and more medications for mental illness. I was suicidal and would eventually see and hear the devil on an almost daily basis.  This was a very dark time for me as I dipped in and out of despair. I became more and more disenchanted by the Catholic Church with all of the sexual abuse scandals.  I wanted less and less to go to Mass.

I became my own physician!

Something amazing happened to me in 2007. I began researching my health issues on the internet. I prayed and asked God to show me how to heal myself. I finally accepted that He was not going to grant me an instant miraculous healing. I decided to become my own physician and take a natural approach to healing. I fired my last psychiatrist and finally freed myself from the disabling drugs that I had been on for over 14 years. I began treating the mental illness with diet change, vitamins and minerals. All anxiety, depression, mania and suicidal ideation went completely away. I was filled with hope! I was empowered!

The mental illness was not a problem anymore but the chronic fatigue and body pain were getting worse by the year. Once I was finally diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 2012, I prayed and asked God to show me what steps to take. I started with ozone treatments in Mexico. I relapsed shortly after finishing these at a local clinic but was inclined to keep going back, to Playa Del Carmen. I tried many other natural interventions but kept relapsing.

The night is darkest before the dawn

In the spring of 2014, I was bedridden and very sick with Lyme, several co-infections and a horrible kidney infection. I remember lying in bed after taking several painkillers and my breathing was very labored. My body ached and I felt like I just couldn’t fight anymore. I was so weak and worn out with a migraine and continuously throwing up.  I felt like I was of no use to anyone….not even my children. I pleaded in prayer to either take or heal me – that I was too exhausted and had been dragging myself through life for too many years. I just couldn’t fight any longer. Shortly after that the answers came through the Buhner Lyme Protocol and Wahls Paleo Diet.

Love is powerful medicine!

It was in Mexico that I started to heal spiritually, emotionally and physically. I began to know God as  a loving and beautiful Higher Power that only wanted the best for me. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful group of friends from my recovery groups that just loved and accepted me in such a profound way. As I met wonderful friends to play with, I realized that I never really got  the chance in my life to just play in a worry-free environment. It was so healing and liberating. We enjoyed many days at the beach swimming, snorkeling, laughing and talking.

I understand that love is so important in life. I have always had a very difficult time trusting others. Today my life is about giving and receiving love. I also love to have fun and just laugh and laugh.  It is pretty simple and I have the most serenity that I have ever had in my entire life. My faith has been changing and I now accept suffering as part of God’s plan for me. I believe our suffering is never wasted but recycled into something beautiful. I pray each day for His will and the power to carry that out. I always ask for strength and guidance.  I have forgiven everyone for everything and no longer hold any resentments towards others. I pray for those I have difficulty with and have offered myself in service to helping others. I try and maintain an attitude of gratitude for all that I have been given.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

When I am scared, worried, upset or frustrated I always ask Jesus to take my hand and walk with me. I may not be what some would consider a model Catholic these days, but I am more in love with Jesus than I have ever been before. He is my protector, provider, comforter and true friend. He is loving, gentle, patient, tolerant and wise. I am never alone and He is always with me. Today I am able to love and accept myself.

To live with untreated Lyme Disease for over 20 years has been the most difficult thing of all I have gone through in life. It is a suffering beyond all comprehension. Somehow, I am still alive despite living untreated for decades. Now that I am in remission, I understand how God can use our suffering and experience to help and offer hope to others. I know that I am stronger and more able to love and support those who are suffering with substance abuse, mental illness, Lyme Disease and other hidden illnesses.

I know we all have to find our own concept of a higher power. I have a deep respect for all faiths and groups of people. My hope is that everyone can find some comfort, guidance and strength in a loving higher power.  Love heals!

Blessings and Best of Health!

Brenda♥

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